To the Point of Absurdity

I think about him too much. I wonder what he's doing, what he's thinking, if he's thinking about me nearly as much (shouldn't matter but natural curiosity), and probably most importantly what he's feeling. I feel I have been tricked, made into a fool, one of those fools I've been warning people about turning into all these years. One of those people who put the person they are "in-love" with above their own happiness. Most of the time I can't stand it, frustrates me, annoys me, makes me feel unbelievably weak and vulnerable. Not vulnerable in the typical "o he might hurt me" sort of way. I mean yeah that fear is there too but incredibly minor and small compared to feeling like I constantly need a reminder or reassurance of his "love" or else I'm convinced we're not real and everything was just imagined; the feeling that I'm now needy, dependent on his...feelings, emotions, thought process.

In truth, I don't even know if he does "love" me. The words of course have never been said and I swore I would never say them, I swore I would never give someone that power over me, I never wanted to be that submissive. I am not even sure that I completely love him. To me at least love is unconditional, love is permanent, and I'm pretty sure if he was paralyzed tomorrow our "relationship" would be over, and vice-versa. I do know I'm falling for him however. Would it hurt if he wasn't falling for me? Probably, but the most painful part would be how much time, energy and emotions were wasted. I don't do this often, this is not a systematic aspect of life for me, this is an extremely dangerous risk, that destroys lives, corrupts ambitions, and brings out the most irrational side of us.

So why him? Why now, of all times? Why take the risk at all? This is the part where I feel like I've been tricked. My irreversible passion to make a significantly positive difference in this world is lost on him and considerably not appreciated. To be fair I haven't done anything significantly positive yet for him to really appreciate, so it's hard to expect anyone to theoretically appreciate something. We are similar and opposites in the most inconvenient ways. Even our "signs" warn us against becoming romantically involved, even though such pagan beliefs are ludicrous to me it's still ironic that plays a subliminal role in my interactions with him. Everyday I feel insecure, everyday I am expecting to feel the type of pain I've been so perfectly in-control of never experiencing.

Omg so back to the question of WHY him? It's those moments of happiness I never felt before, those glimmers of hope, the seconds that turn into minutes, and sometimes even into hours of emotional ecstasy. The times when we're next to each other and everything else seems so small. His strength, his stubbornness, even his arrogance are actually turn-ons instead of reasons to be over him. His unique ability to make love to me. And finally, the curiosity of the unknown, the suspense, the challenge, is what secures my attention.

Why now? I look at it this way, if this was truly "suppose" to happen, now would probably be the best time. I'm very oriented towards being successful at ensuring my passions leave a mark on this world. Now is the time when the reality of achieving my ambitions is a question mark. I have never been weaker emotionally, mentally, and when it comes to my determination. If I was to ever be open to the possibilities of love, it would probably have to be at my weakest moment. When things are back in order, I can easily convince myself this aspect of life isn't necessary, go back to stereotyping love as irrational and never participate in what appears to be a critical development stage in our lives.

Why take this risk at all? Either way I win. If this doesn't work out, it would be a confirmation that "love" is irrational, only operates as a discouraging distraction in most cases, and should not be entertained. If somehow we do manage to work out, then I would have proven to myself, my family, possibly even my friends that love can truly be a blessing in our lives, a driving force that encourages all types of success and elevation. So yeah, in this case, either way, I win.

Like I said, to the point of absurdity.

Poem: Read Inbetween the Lines

Not a request. Not a mission. Nor a wish.
But I want you to love me.

I want you,
to breathe my air,
and get excited.

I want your heart,
rate to increase,
by the touch of my skin.

I selfishly want your mind,
to have little breaks,
while I,
caress your every thought.

I want to leave you,
frustrated,
when I'm not around.

I want you,
to,
Be mine.

Please be mine...

But I'm not askin' or wishin' or contemplatin'

I'm just sayin'
Before,
it's too late.

Poem: The Roses of love

What is it?

I've never seen Love before,
It's a figment of the imagination,
yet a disturbing force of passion,
often times a bloody passion.

When I see love, I see a face.

The face is Black, a dark Black,
a face devoid of wrongdoing,
yet brutalized with punishment.

Tears!

Tears are pouring out of the dark eyes of this face,
tears of the heart being incessantly shredded,
yet unable to stop beating.

When I see love, I see a fist.

The paragon of masculinity,
pounding into flesh,
pounding into the face,
yet neither is a traumatizing,
as the pounding into the heart.

Blood is just the roses of love.

It's an accessory to the screams and tears,
a decoration this face is well accustomed to.

Poem: No Title (written March 2010)

I love him, I miss him, I sometimes hate him.
My father is a blurry image,
or maybe a bitter one,
definitely a loving one.

I was his son to a degree,
I shared him with life,
shared him with needles,
with God and voluptuous women.

I miss him cause I was his son,
or maybe I don't,
maybe it's just a sense of abandonment.
I love him as my father,
but was I ever his son.

I carry his name with pride,
a sense of purpose and importance.
As if his name is his last chance,
last chance at redemption,
last chance at salvation.

He's actually alive,
through me, he's alive.

A Day of Prayer & Reflection

After my epiphany yesterday of my "struggles" that I'm now re-labeling as "challenges" today I re-evaluated my "plan of action" and made some changes. Now I am aggressively job searching, aggressively building a new foundation for my life where I can launch into achieving my ambitions and long-term/short-term goals. I applied to a dozen jobs today not out of desperation but out of determination, it was very inspiring actually considering how discouraged I was feeling earlier today.

Three significant things happened. One, I had an intensely deep conversation with one of my best friends last night about my challenges, my options, and even briefly my love life. Then today at work someone important to me there looked me in the eyes and asked "what is going on? I can tell you're really concerned and thinking about something." I couldn't even answer her, I actually had to hold my breath to prevent myself from crying, it was like everything was boiling to come out. What made this touching was that they cared, after everything our relationship has been through this pass couple of months they still care and eagerly tried to give me assistance with some of my challenges. Finally, I emailed my mother, grandmother, brother, and all of my aunts reaching out to them for prayers. Lately, my faith in God and devotion to practicing has regrettably decreased and I need their help to change that. These things fill me with the determination I have now.

I am going to look back on this and will have a story to tell, a testimony of sorts. It's not at all about having a "success story", success is too coined with material possessions and gain. For me it's about catching up to my passions, my ambitions, my irrational desire to make a dramatic and positive change in this world...it will happen, I am determined.

10,000 Emotions in 5 seconds

I have accomplished nothing this year and that reality came rushed to my attention today. Sure, one of my friends would argue that I've had internships, worked on a couple of side projects, gained some "work experience" but nothing that propels me forward in life or in a direction of achieving my goals. I even experienced an emotion close enough to love I ever want to come close to recently and somehow I've convinced myself experiencing that was/is important in life. How can you truly live and never have loved? Well today the reality of everything sent me into an emotional roller-coaster, one second I lost all hope, drive, ambition, the next phase was depression, then suddenly optimism somewhere, a prayed a couple of time here and there, I gave up, re-encouraged myself, gave up again, one tear fell, then suddenly I've never been happier. Why? I have no idea.

Well, not true I immediately wanted to re-launch this blog. I wanted to pour out my emotions in writing. I want to get back into writing. Then suddenly I got excited. Excited!? I still haven't figured that out.

I'm about to go meet up with one of my best friends right now to talk about "my situation". I'm horrible at communicating, this will be awkward, full of questions I won't know how to fully answer, and potentially frustrating for both of us. *sigh*

Updated Mission for this Blog

Well it has been longer than a year since I've made a single post. Honestly, I hope everyone has forgotten about this blog, I'm slightly embarrassed by some of the posts I've made, many are humorous though. The original purpose of this blog was to keep my friends, mentors, people who really made an impact in my life back in Portland and Houston updated on my adventures in D.C. and of course I added my political/social commentary here and there lol ;-) But now I'm going to use this more as my personal journal, an outlet for my thoughts, passions, feelings, and rants. Last time I was exceptionally self-conscience of what people thought and how they perceived me through my blog, I won't be nearly as self-conscience this time, this space is more for me than for anyone else. That being said I'm still going to be responsible with what I say, nothing too ignorant lol, offensive or degrading towards others.

So if you're going to return as a regular reader/participant of this blog, keep what I just said in mind, try not to be shocked about what I say or think. My perception of the world is weird, my "truth" is severally flawed, my words are notoriously meaningless but heavy with sincerity and purpose. I don't want to say "enjoy" because again this isn't for you but feel definitely feel welcome to read/participate, maybe there will be something in here you can relate to or even help me with :-) so WELCOME!!!!