I think about him too much. I wonder what he's doing, what he's thinking, if he's thinking about me nearly as much (shouldn't matter but natural curiosity), and probably most importantly what he's feeling. I feel I have been tricked, made into a fool, one of those fools I've been warning people about turning into all these years. One of those people who put the person they are "in-love" with above their own happiness. Most of the time I can't stand it, frustrates me, annoys me, makes me feel unbelievably weak and vulnerable. Not vulnerable in the typical "o he might hurt me" sort of way. I mean yeah that fear is there too but incredibly minor and small compared to feeling like I constantly need a reminder or reassurance of his "love" or else I'm convinced we're not real and everything was just imagined; the feeling that I'm now needy, dependent on his...feelings, emotions, thought process.
In truth, I don't even know if he does "love" me. The words of course have never been said and I swore I would never say them, I swore I would never give someone that power over me, I never wanted to be that submissive. I am not even sure that I completely love him. To me at least love is unconditional, love is permanent, and I'm pretty sure if he was paralyzed tomorrow our "relationship" would be over, and vice-versa. I do know I'm falling for him however. Would it hurt if he wasn't falling for me? Probably, but the most painful part would be how much time, energy and emotions were wasted. I don't do this often, this is not a systematic aspect of life for me, this is an extremely dangerous risk, that destroys lives, corrupts ambitions, and brings out the most irrational side of us.
So why him? Why now, of all times? Why take the risk at all? This is the part where I feel like I've been tricked. My irreversible passion to make a significantly positive difference in this world is lost on him and considerably not appreciated. To be fair I haven't done anything significantly positive yet for him to really appreciate, so it's hard to expect anyone to theoretically appreciate something. We are similar and opposites in the most inconvenient ways. Even our "signs" warn us against becoming romantically involved, even though such pagan beliefs are ludicrous to me it's still ironic that plays a subliminal role in my interactions with him. Everyday I feel insecure, everyday I am expecting to feel the type of pain I've been so perfectly in-control of never experiencing.
Omg so back to the question of WHY him? It's those moments of happiness I never felt before, those glimmers of hope, the seconds that turn into minutes, and sometimes even into hours of emotional ecstasy. The times when we're next to each other and everything else seems so small. His strength, his stubbornness, even his arrogance are actually turn-ons instead of reasons to be over him. His unique ability to make love to me. And finally, the curiosity of the unknown, the suspense, the challenge, is what secures my attention.
Why now? I look at it this way, if this was truly "suppose" to happen, now would probably be the best time. I'm very oriented towards being successful at ensuring my passions leave a mark on this world. Now is the time when the reality of achieving my ambitions is a question mark. I have never been weaker emotionally, mentally, and when it comes to my determination. If I was to ever be open to the possibilities of love, it would probably have to be at my weakest moment. When things are back in order, I can easily convince myself this aspect of life isn't necessary, go back to stereotyping love as irrational and never participate in what appears to be a critical development stage in our lives.
Why take this risk at all? Either way I win. If this doesn't work out, it would be a confirmation that "love" is irrational, only operates as a discouraging distraction in most cases, and should not be entertained. If somehow we do manage to work out, then I would have proven to myself, my family, possibly even my friends that love can truly be a blessing in our lives, a driving force that encourages all types of success and elevation. So yeah, in this case, either way, I win.
Like I said, to the point of absurdity.
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