That's the Thanks we Get?

I was a little disturbed this weekend to find out that an n Iraqi reporter threw both of his shows at President Bush, the president had to duck twice! I have to admit, at first I thought it was funny but then I started thinking about it. We did not liberate millions of Iraqis and in the process sacrificed thousands of American lives for shoes to be thrown at us. I understand having military strategy and policy differences with the president but if it wasn't for him that reporter wouldn't even have the liberty to be a reporter, not a real one at least. This is frustrating because I feel many Iraqis are ungrateful and yes I understand being frustrated with the U.S., I understand even wanting the U.S. to leave so they can fully take control of their own government and possibly have a real democracy, however, all of them would still be under a violent tyranny if it wasn't for the U.S. for who knows how long. Yes, the president deserved to be asked tough significant questions by that reporter but throwing shows was the ultimate disrespect and makes me feel they don't really deserve the freedom that will eventually be a blessing to that entire nation.

Is There a Special Someone in Your Life?

I never really write about my "love life" on here frankly because people come and go so often that my close friends enjoy reminding me who all came and went, lol. That sounds absolutely horrible I know but its true. Kivvy calls me an emotional slut lol, someone who doesn't really have sex with a lot of people but does become emotionally involved with a lot. I have yet to completely agree with Kivvy but I can definitely see his point. The truth is I haven't really felt a need to be in any type of romantic relationship. I love my independence, I don't want to be defined by a relationship. When people see me I don't want them to think "so and so's boyfriend", I whether for them to see my values and what I stand for. Also, I have seen people become consumed by the need to be in a relationship, which grows into a dependency that dramatically increase their tolerance of things they wouldn't normally stand for. I wouldn't go as far and say relationships are evil but they definitely tend to transform these perfectly sound and rational individuals into mindless clones of the perception of what love supposedly is.

I do not see myself falling in love anytime soon, well for one I don't even really know what love is other than what you see on TV. I don't even know if love as we know it exist, nor do I feel the need to find out at the moment. However, one of the main questions I get from my much appreciated friends dispersed throughout Portland and Houston (and who knows where else) is "Is there a special someone in your life?" I find this question amazingly annoying considering everything that I am experiencing at Howard and in D.C. and everything that makes me who I am, one of the most important aspects of my life people want to know is my romantic/sexual involvement with another individual. Stop asking, lol. If I run into the "love of my life" and if we mutually decide to destroy our independence and get married I'm sure you will get an invitation. Although, to be honest it would be fun to just pump into the middle of Howard's campus holding hands with a guy and suddenly-uncontrollably demonstrate our passionate love for each other with an intense make-out session...I think people would die in shock, lol, and I am told we would have to run for our lives. But see I would just use a person to make a political statement, knowing me lol, so bad idea.

On other news, in response to my previous post I have been searching for ways I can be a more productive person in terms of what I can do to help reverse the many unfortunate aspects of our lives. Since my whole world apparently revolves around politics I'm applying to PAID internships, lol. Most recently I've applied to intern for the Congressional Black Caucus, y'all pray that I get this internship! I'm so serious. Although...funny story, in one of their essays they ask what do you think is the most important public policy challenge the next presidential administration should face and I argued gay civil rights! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING YALL!!!??! Also, if I get accepted into Howard University I am going to look into starting a school funded GLBT campus-wide newspaper to help raise awareness of our culture, issues, and activities. O! I'm already excited!

But when people email/text/facebook message me let me know what you're doing, I'm for real, what are you doing in your life to make this world better for all of us? I want to know, there are no measurements of greatness, no matter how small or grand you think your action is, it can all have the same effect (or affect I get confused which one you suppose to use). So let me know! What are you doing that potentially helps someone other than yourself? :)

My Conversation with God

I admit that I am no where near being the perfect Christian, I am a host of flaws, a host of imperfections. Sometimes I doubt His existence, sometimes I doubt His seriousness. Some call that a lack of faith, I simply call it re-evaluating my beliefs. Am I simply praying to emptiness? Or are my prayers being hurriedly written down by an Angel on a paper airplane and flown to the Department of Jesus Christ only to be held up by a traffic full of paper airplanes? Yes I have a very active imagination lol.

Recently terrorists killed hundreds of innocent people in India, at least one person was trampled (possibly murdered) at a Walmart on "Black Friday", and America is still at war killing and being killed all the while we are growing upset that our "Christmas" is not going to be the same because our economy is officially in a recession. Times like these invoke me to ask questions about the existence or the effectiveness of God. WHAT IS GOING ON UP THERE? Is God asleep? Did he give up on us? Or am I asking ridiculous questions because for all these years I have simply contributed towards perpetuating a fairytale or a systematic governing tool that has so obviously failed.

I typically come out of these stages believing in God more strongly than ever before. Something happens that to me is a sign from Him, or it could be my active imagination but I take it as a sign anyways. This time was no different. I spent my Thanksgiving secretly angry at the Lord. There is so much pain right now and what is He doing as our Father to relieve this pain, what is He doing to transform us into better humans, into better civilizations? So yes I was frustrated with the Lord, which led to a conversation I should never forget.

In my head I silently ask the Lord, "What are you doing?" I would love to say that suddenly my room was filled with an almost unbearable amount of light and a thundering voice trembled the walls shaking the very foundation of the Howard West Towers informing me of the intricate and complicated plans the Lord have for mankind. However, unfortunately that didn't happen. Or maybe that's a good thing because I probably would have had a heart-attack. But the question, "what are you doing" kept ringing in my head, kept being repeated over and over again. Now y'all know me, I be up to a lot lol, I don't necessarily want the Lord to be examining what all I have been up to...so I kept pointing the question back at the Lord and this time it was more of a demand. "What are you doing!" I felt the passion behind it, I felt my emotions behind the question, I really needed to know, I really wanted an explanation for the reasoning behind all these atrocities, I wanted to know what is He doing that causes thousands of families to go through a terrible mourning process of their loved ones that were killed by evil evil human beings or freedom fighters (perspective is key).

This question still remained stubborn in my head, my conversations cut short because this question is still ringing away, eating away at all of my energy. It was as if my question was my answer. "What are you doing Michael C. Webb Jr.?"

Now I haven't read the Bible in awhile, it scares me ya know. But the stories I was taught back when I was young begun to slowly present themselves, revealing themselves, unraveling as if they were hibernating in a cold stiff closet filled with lost memories. I start seeing what God mean by "What are you doing Michael C. Webb Jr." because in these stories, some terrible and some encouraging God performs many if not most of his miraculous works through humans.

That anger at the Lord, that frustration recently has evaporated, creating a moisture around me that is thick with shame, thick with self-contempt, thick with disgust. What have I become that I failed to see that the evil, the cruelty that is surrounding me is here because I have yet to step up and utilize my God given strength and powers to do anything about it. This has to change, this has to change...no more shall I point the finger at the Lord because I am essentially pointing at a mirror. Now I must ask a frightening and terrifying question: What are you doing?