Laying in my Bed

For some reason it is 3a.m. and I have been laying in my bed for the past two hours just trying to sleep. A lot of things are racing through my head right now, its like my brain is in hyper-drive and is determined for me to find a solution for everything potentially bothersome in my life right now. Every since high school, yeah I've developed a lot of habits during high school, I try to reflect on my day as I lay down for bed in order to revisit the mistakes I have made and figure out how I can avoid making them again.

I think whats keeping me up tonight, however, is fear. I am scared of tomorrow and the day after that, even of next week and definitely of next month. Within this past year my life has gone in so many different directions that I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from all the different transitions. So tomorrow scares me because I have absolutely no idea what it holds. In one month I could be almost anywhere at this point, either continuing at Howard, back home, in the military, postponing school all together and just work full time somewhere, or even return to Reed.

In addition, these two months have been challenging for my family also because of the death of an uncle and impending death of a grandmother (on my father's side - not the one I call "granny"). All of this uncertainty of what tomorrow holds just fuels a lot of anxiety that I have yet figured out how to dissipate.

However, lately I have been highly encouraged and the Lord has repeatedly let me know that everything is going to workout for the best if I remain faithful and no longer deviate from what He desires of me. For instance, just today a professor made it clear to me that he understands the importance of me doing well in class and will work considerably close with me to ensure that I finish off well. This happened a day after I was unnecessarily stressed that I would not do well on the final paper and fail his class, which would result with me not being accepted into Howard. Also, Reed has given me a scholarship that will help finish paying for the rest of this semester. Finally, I continue to receive emails of encouragement and messages of love from various individuals who are important in my life. Even though these messages come randomly and unsolicited, they come right when I need to hear from them the most. I will never forget the day when I was frustrated with Howard because they were almost two months behind in paying me and I was almost in tears one day as I checked my mail reminding me of my financial obligations that I couldn't at the time do anything about. As I was going through the envelops one by one slowly getting more and more discouraged the last item was a postcard from a friend I honestly never expected to hear from offering kind words of encouragement and support.

Despite my confidence that everything is going to workout for the best I am still scared, I am still laying here awake, not knowing what to prepare myself for, not knowing what to expect tomorrow. Yet this anxiety is unlike any form of anxiety I have ever felt before. I am also oddly excited. Even though I am scared of tomorrow I also can't wait to wake up in the morning (or in this specific case in a couple of hours). These next couple of weeks and months are going to be new territory for me, the beginning of a new era of my life where I would face new challenges, develop new relationships, and explore even more aspects of life. I can't help but feel that the events that took place these past few years were necessary for what I am about to branch out into within the coming months.

And if I really want to get deep I shouldn't be anxious at all, tonight is no different than some random night three years ago. Because in all honesty we never know what tomorrow really holds, our lives can literally change at any moment for better or worse. That is definitely a cliche that rings erringly true. Now hopefully I won't over sleep when the alarm goes off because Lord knows I really shouldn't miss class tomorrow lol.