A Day of Prayer & Reflection

After my epiphany yesterday of my "struggles" that I'm now re-labeling as "challenges" today I re-evaluated my "plan of action" and made some changes. Now I am aggressively job searching, aggressively building a new foundation for my life where I can launch into achieving my ambitions and long-term/short-term goals. I applied to a dozen jobs today not out of desperation but out of determination, it was very inspiring actually considering how discouraged I was feeling earlier today.

Three significant things happened. One, I had an intensely deep conversation with one of my best friends last night about my challenges, my options, and even briefly my love life. Then today at work someone important to me there looked me in the eyes and asked "what is going on? I can tell you're really concerned and thinking about something." I couldn't even answer her, I actually had to hold my breath to prevent myself from crying, it was like everything was boiling to come out. What made this touching was that they cared, after everything our relationship has been through this pass couple of months they still care and eagerly tried to give me assistance with some of my challenges. Finally, I emailed my mother, grandmother, brother, and all of my aunts reaching out to them for prayers. Lately, my faith in God and devotion to practicing has regrettably decreased and I need their help to change that. These things fill me with the determination I have now.

I am going to look back on this and will have a story to tell, a testimony of sorts. It's not at all about having a "success story", success is too coined with material possessions and gain. For me it's about catching up to my passions, my ambitions, my irrational desire to make a dramatic and positive change in this world...it will happen, I am determined.

10,000 Emotions in 5 seconds

I have accomplished nothing this year and that reality came rushed to my attention today. Sure, one of my friends would argue that I've had internships, worked on a couple of side projects, gained some "work experience" but nothing that propels me forward in life or in a direction of achieving my goals. I even experienced an emotion close enough to love I ever want to come close to recently and somehow I've convinced myself experiencing that was/is important in life. How can you truly live and never have loved? Well today the reality of everything sent me into an emotional roller-coaster, one second I lost all hope, drive, ambition, the next phase was depression, then suddenly optimism somewhere, a prayed a couple of time here and there, I gave up, re-encouraged myself, gave up again, one tear fell, then suddenly I've never been happier. Why? I have no idea.

Well, not true I immediately wanted to re-launch this blog. I wanted to pour out my emotions in writing. I want to get back into writing. Then suddenly I got excited. Excited!? I still haven't figured that out.

I'm about to go meet up with one of my best friends right now to talk about "my situation". I'm horrible at communicating, this will be awkward, full of questions I won't know how to fully answer, and potentially frustrating for both of us. *sigh*