To the Point of Absurdity

I think about him too much. I wonder what he's doing, what he's thinking, if he's thinking about me nearly as much (shouldn't matter but natural curiosity), and probably most importantly what he's feeling. I feel I have been tricked, made into a fool, one of those fools I've been warning people about turning into all these years. One of those people who put the person they are "in-love" with above their own happiness. Most of the time I can't stand it, frustrates me, annoys me, makes me feel unbelievably weak and vulnerable. Not vulnerable in the typical "o he might hurt me" sort of way. I mean yeah that fear is there too but incredibly minor and small compared to feeling like I constantly need a reminder or reassurance of his "love" or else I'm convinced we're not real and everything was just imagined; the feeling that I'm now needy, dependent on his...feelings, emotions, thought process.

In truth, I don't even know if he does "love" me. The words of course have never been said and I swore I would never say them, I swore I would never give someone that power over me, I never wanted to be that submissive. I am not even sure that I completely love him. To me at least love is unconditional, love is permanent, and I'm pretty sure if he was paralyzed tomorrow our "relationship" would be over, and vice-versa. I do know I'm falling for him however. Would it hurt if he wasn't falling for me? Probably, but the most painful part would be how much time, energy and emotions were wasted. I don't do this often, this is not a systematic aspect of life for me, this is an extremely dangerous risk, that destroys lives, corrupts ambitions, and brings out the most irrational side of us.

So why him? Why now, of all times? Why take the risk at all? This is the part where I feel like I've been tricked. My irreversible passion to make a significantly positive difference in this world is lost on him and considerably not appreciated. To be fair I haven't done anything significantly positive yet for him to really appreciate, so it's hard to expect anyone to theoretically appreciate something. We are similar and opposites in the most inconvenient ways. Even our "signs" warn us against becoming romantically involved, even though such pagan beliefs are ludicrous to me it's still ironic that plays a subliminal role in my interactions with him. Everyday I feel insecure, everyday I am expecting to feel the type of pain I've been so perfectly in-control of never experiencing.

Omg so back to the question of WHY him? It's those moments of happiness I never felt before, those glimmers of hope, the seconds that turn into minutes, and sometimes even into hours of emotional ecstasy. The times when we're next to each other and everything else seems so small. His strength, his stubbornness, even his arrogance are actually turn-ons instead of reasons to be over him. His unique ability to make love to me. And finally, the curiosity of the unknown, the suspense, the challenge, is what secures my attention.

Why now? I look at it this way, if this was truly "suppose" to happen, now would probably be the best time. I'm very oriented towards being successful at ensuring my passions leave a mark on this world. Now is the time when the reality of achieving my ambitions is a question mark. I have never been weaker emotionally, mentally, and when it comes to my determination. If I was to ever be open to the possibilities of love, it would probably have to be at my weakest moment. When things are back in order, I can easily convince myself this aspect of life isn't necessary, go back to stereotyping love as irrational and never participate in what appears to be a critical development stage in our lives.

Why take this risk at all? Either way I win. If this doesn't work out, it would be a confirmation that "love" is irrational, only operates as a discouraging distraction in most cases, and should not be entertained. If somehow we do manage to work out, then I would have proven to myself, my family, possibly even my friends that love can truly be a blessing in our lives, a driving force that encourages all types of success and elevation. So yeah, in this case, either way, I win.

Like I said, to the point of absurdity.

Poem: Read Inbetween the Lines

Not a request. Not a mission. Nor a wish.
But I want you to love me.

I want you,
to breathe my air,
and get excited.

I want your heart,
rate to increase,
by the touch of my skin.

I selfishly want your mind,
to have little breaks,
while I,
caress your every thought.

I want to leave you,
frustrated,
when I'm not around.

I want you,
to,
Be mine.

Please be mine...

But I'm not askin' or wishin' or contemplatin'

I'm just sayin'
Before,
it's too late.

Poem: The Roses of love

What is it?

I've never seen Love before,
It's a figment of the imagination,
yet a disturbing force of passion,
often times a bloody passion.

When I see love, I see a face.

The face is Black, a dark Black,
a face devoid of wrongdoing,
yet brutalized with punishment.

Tears!

Tears are pouring out of the dark eyes of this face,
tears of the heart being incessantly shredded,
yet unable to stop beating.

When I see love, I see a fist.

The paragon of masculinity,
pounding into flesh,
pounding into the face,
yet neither is a traumatizing,
as the pounding into the heart.

Blood is just the roses of love.

It's an accessory to the screams and tears,
a decoration this face is well accustomed to.

Poem: No Title (written March 2010)

I love him, I miss him, I sometimes hate him.
My father is a blurry image,
or maybe a bitter one,
definitely a loving one.

I was his son to a degree,
I shared him with life,
shared him with needles,
with God and voluptuous women.

I miss him cause I was his son,
or maybe I don't,
maybe it's just a sense of abandonment.
I love him as my father,
but was I ever his son.

I carry his name with pride,
a sense of purpose and importance.
As if his name is his last chance,
last chance at redemption,
last chance at salvation.

He's actually alive,
through me, he's alive.

A Day of Prayer & Reflection

After my epiphany yesterday of my "struggles" that I'm now re-labeling as "challenges" today I re-evaluated my "plan of action" and made some changes. Now I am aggressively job searching, aggressively building a new foundation for my life where I can launch into achieving my ambitions and long-term/short-term goals. I applied to a dozen jobs today not out of desperation but out of determination, it was very inspiring actually considering how discouraged I was feeling earlier today.

Three significant things happened. One, I had an intensely deep conversation with one of my best friends last night about my challenges, my options, and even briefly my love life. Then today at work someone important to me there looked me in the eyes and asked "what is going on? I can tell you're really concerned and thinking about something." I couldn't even answer her, I actually had to hold my breath to prevent myself from crying, it was like everything was boiling to come out. What made this touching was that they cared, after everything our relationship has been through this pass couple of months they still care and eagerly tried to give me assistance with some of my challenges. Finally, I emailed my mother, grandmother, brother, and all of my aunts reaching out to them for prayers. Lately, my faith in God and devotion to practicing has regrettably decreased and I need their help to change that. These things fill me with the determination I have now.

I am going to look back on this and will have a story to tell, a testimony of sorts. It's not at all about having a "success story", success is too coined with material possessions and gain. For me it's about catching up to my passions, my ambitions, my irrational desire to make a dramatic and positive change in this world...it will happen, I am determined.

10,000 Emotions in 5 seconds

I have accomplished nothing this year and that reality came rushed to my attention today. Sure, one of my friends would argue that I've had internships, worked on a couple of side projects, gained some "work experience" but nothing that propels me forward in life or in a direction of achieving my goals. I even experienced an emotion close enough to love I ever want to come close to recently and somehow I've convinced myself experiencing that was/is important in life. How can you truly live and never have loved? Well today the reality of everything sent me into an emotional roller-coaster, one second I lost all hope, drive, ambition, the next phase was depression, then suddenly optimism somewhere, a prayed a couple of time here and there, I gave up, re-encouraged myself, gave up again, one tear fell, then suddenly I've never been happier. Why? I have no idea.

Well, not true I immediately wanted to re-launch this blog. I wanted to pour out my emotions in writing. I want to get back into writing. Then suddenly I got excited. Excited!? I still haven't figured that out.

I'm about to go meet up with one of my best friends right now to talk about "my situation". I'm horrible at communicating, this will be awkward, full of questions I won't know how to fully answer, and potentially frustrating for both of us. *sigh*

Updated Mission for this Blog

Well it has been longer than a year since I've made a single post. Honestly, I hope everyone has forgotten about this blog, I'm slightly embarrassed by some of the posts I've made, many are humorous though. The original purpose of this blog was to keep my friends, mentors, people who really made an impact in my life back in Portland and Houston updated on my adventures in D.C. and of course I added my political/social commentary here and there lol ;-) But now I'm going to use this more as my personal journal, an outlet for my thoughts, passions, feelings, and rants. Last time I was exceptionally self-conscience of what people thought and how they perceived me through my blog, I won't be nearly as self-conscience this time, this space is more for me than for anyone else. That being said I'm still going to be responsible with what I say, nothing too ignorant lol, offensive or degrading towards others.

So if you're going to return as a regular reader/participant of this blog, keep what I just said in mind, try not to be shocked about what I say or think. My perception of the world is weird, my "truth" is severally flawed, my words are notoriously meaningless but heavy with sincerity and purpose. I don't want to say "enjoy" because again this isn't for you but feel definitely feel welcome to read/participate, maybe there will be something in here you can relate to or even help me with :-) so WELCOME!!!!

Love, Kindness, and Generosity o and Understanding

Hey everyone! It has definitely been awhile since I've made a post, mostly because I have not had any real Internet access also I didn't want to post anything until after I can announce what's going to happen with Howard. Unfortunately, I cannot make any announcement yet, there is still a lot of talk with Reed and Howard going on right now but finalizations and decisions will be coming soon.

On other things however I have to tell you that I have really been blessed and I'm entering 2009 with so many blessings to look forward to. First of all to admit something embarrassing for a moment I had no place to live and was about to be homeless. Well, I never felt I was about to be homeless, I knew something was going to come through but what that was I had no clue. The dorms were closing and I was not going home and very unexpected people came through and taught me things I will try my best never to forget: love, kindness, generosity, and understanding. These words are trite and overused but I have experienced the true and unique meanings of these often times superficial words.

This winter break has re-shaped what I want out of 2009 and has helped me realize how self-centered, inconsiderate, and materialistic I was becoming. I would even argue that I was shown the real meaning of life this break, especially the last portion of it. It was super interesting how the first part of my break showed me everything that was pretty much wrong with the way I live my life and the last part gave me insight into how I should be living and what value system I should maintain. Of course I am not going into details lol but hopefully you all will see better material from this blog from now on.

But yeah, stay tuned! A very important update on my life is coming soon...

That's the Thanks we Get?

I was a little disturbed this weekend to find out that an n Iraqi reporter threw both of his shows at President Bush, the president had to duck twice! I have to admit, at first I thought it was funny but then I started thinking about it. We did not liberate millions of Iraqis and in the process sacrificed thousands of American lives for shoes to be thrown at us. I understand having military strategy and policy differences with the president but if it wasn't for him that reporter wouldn't even have the liberty to be a reporter, not a real one at least. This is frustrating because I feel many Iraqis are ungrateful and yes I understand being frustrated with the U.S., I understand even wanting the U.S. to leave so they can fully take control of their own government and possibly have a real democracy, however, all of them would still be under a violent tyranny if it wasn't for the U.S. for who knows how long. Yes, the president deserved to be asked tough significant questions by that reporter but throwing shows was the ultimate disrespect and makes me feel they don't really deserve the freedom that will eventually be a blessing to that entire nation.

Is There a Special Someone in Your Life?

I never really write about my "love life" on here frankly because people come and go so often that my close friends enjoy reminding me who all came and went, lol. That sounds absolutely horrible I know but its true. Kivvy calls me an emotional slut lol, someone who doesn't really have sex with a lot of people but does become emotionally involved with a lot. I have yet to completely agree with Kivvy but I can definitely see his point. The truth is I haven't really felt a need to be in any type of romantic relationship. I love my independence, I don't want to be defined by a relationship. When people see me I don't want them to think "so and so's boyfriend", I whether for them to see my values and what I stand for. Also, I have seen people become consumed by the need to be in a relationship, which grows into a dependency that dramatically increase their tolerance of things they wouldn't normally stand for. I wouldn't go as far and say relationships are evil but they definitely tend to transform these perfectly sound and rational individuals into mindless clones of the perception of what love supposedly is.

I do not see myself falling in love anytime soon, well for one I don't even really know what love is other than what you see on TV. I don't even know if love as we know it exist, nor do I feel the need to find out at the moment. However, one of the main questions I get from my much appreciated friends dispersed throughout Portland and Houston (and who knows where else) is "Is there a special someone in your life?" I find this question amazingly annoying considering everything that I am experiencing at Howard and in D.C. and everything that makes me who I am, one of the most important aspects of my life people want to know is my romantic/sexual involvement with another individual. Stop asking, lol. If I run into the "love of my life" and if we mutually decide to destroy our independence and get married I'm sure you will get an invitation. Although, to be honest it would be fun to just pump into the middle of Howard's campus holding hands with a guy and suddenly-uncontrollably demonstrate our passionate love for each other with an intense make-out session...I think people would die in shock, lol, and I am told we would have to run for our lives. But see I would just use a person to make a political statement, knowing me lol, so bad idea.

On other news, in response to my previous post I have been searching for ways I can be a more productive person in terms of what I can do to help reverse the many unfortunate aspects of our lives. Since my whole world apparently revolves around politics I'm applying to PAID internships, lol. Most recently I've applied to intern for the Congressional Black Caucus, y'all pray that I get this internship! I'm so serious. Although...funny story, in one of their essays they ask what do you think is the most important public policy challenge the next presidential administration should face and I argued gay civil rights! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING YALL!!!??! Also, if I get accepted into Howard University I am going to look into starting a school funded GLBT campus-wide newspaper to help raise awareness of our culture, issues, and activities. O! I'm already excited!

But when people email/text/facebook message me let me know what you're doing, I'm for real, what are you doing in your life to make this world better for all of us? I want to know, there are no measurements of greatness, no matter how small or grand you think your action is, it can all have the same effect (or affect I get confused which one you suppose to use). So let me know! What are you doing that potentially helps someone other than yourself? :)

My Conversation with God

I admit that I am no where near being the perfect Christian, I am a host of flaws, a host of imperfections. Sometimes I doubt His existence, sometimes I doubt His seriousness. Some call that a lack of faith, I simply call it re-evaluating my beliefs. Am I simply praying to emptiness? Or are my prayers being hurriedly written down by an Angel on a paper airplane and flown to the Department of Jesus Christ only to be held up by a traffic full of paper airplanes? Yes I have a very active imagination lol.

Recently terrorists killed hundreds of innocent people in India, at least one person was trampled (possibly murdered) at a Walmart on "Black Friday", and America is still at war killing and being killed all the while we are growing upset that our "Christmas" is not going to be the same because our economy is officially in a recession. Times like these invoke me to ask questions about the existence or the effectiveness of God. WHAT IS GOING ON UP THERE? Is God asleep? Did he give up on us? Or am I asking ridiculous questions because for all these years I have simply contributed towards perpetuating a fairytale or a systematic governing tool that has so obviously failed.

I typically come out of these stages believing in God more strongly than ever before. Something happens that to me is a sign from Him, or it could be my active imagination but I take it as a sign anyways. This time was no different. I spent my Thanksgiving secretly angry at the Lord. There is so much pain right now and what is He doing as our Father to relieve this pain, what is He doing to transform us into better humans, into better civilizations? So yes I was frustrated with the Lord, which led to a conversation I should never forget.

In my head I silently ask the Lord, "What are you doing?" I would love to say that suddenly my room was filled with an almost unbearable amount of light and a thundering voice trembled the walls shaking the very foundation of the Howard West Towers informing me of the intricate and complicated plans the Lord have for mankind. However, unfortunately that didn't happen. Or maybe that's a good thing because I probably would have had a heart-attack. But the question, "what are you doing" kept ringing in my head, kept being repeated over and over again. Now y'all know me, I be up to a lot lol, I don't necessarily want the Lord to be examining what all I have been up to...so I kept pointing the question back at the Lord and this time it was more of a demand. "What are you doing!" I felt the passion behind it, I felt my emotions behind the question, I really needed to know, I really wanted an explanation for the reasoning behind all these atrocities, I wanted to know what is He doing that causes thousands of families to go through a terrible mourning process of their loved ones that were killed by evil evil human beings or freedom fighters (perspective is key).

This question still remained stubborn in my head, my conversations cut short because this question is still ringing away, eating away at all of my energy. It was as if my question was my answer. "What are you doing Michael C. Webb Jr.?"

Now I haven't read the Bible in awhile, it scares me ya know. But the stories I was taught back when I was young begun to slowly present themselves, revealing themselves, unraveling as if they were hibernating in a cold stiff closet filled with lost memories. I start seeing what God mean by "What are you doing Michael C. Webb Jr." because in these stories, some terrible and some encouraging God performs many if not most of his miraculous works through humans.

That anger at the Lord, that frustration recently has evaporated, creating a moisture around me that is thick with shame, thick with self-contempt, thick with disgust. What have I become that I failed to see that the evil, the cruelty that is surrounding me is here because I have yet to step up and utilize my God given strength and powers to do anything about it. This has to change, this has to change...no more shall I point the finger at the Lord because I am essentially pointing at a mirror. Now I must ask a frightening and terrifying question: What are you doing?

Laying in my Bed

For some reason it is 3a.m. and I have been laying in my bed for the past two hours just trying to sleep. A lot of things are racing through my head right now, its like my brain is in hyper-drive and is determined for me to find a solution for everything potentially bothersome in my life right now. Every since high school, yeah I've developed a lot of habits during high school, I try to reflect on my day as I lay down for bed in order to revisit the mistakes I have made and figure out how I can avoid making them again.

I think whats keeping me up tonight, however, is fear. I am scared of tomorrow and the day after that, even of next week and definitely of next month. Within this past year my life has gone in so many different directions that I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from all the different transitions. So tomorrow scares me because I have absolutely no idea what it holds. In one month I could be almost anywhere at this point, either continuing at Howard, back home, in the military, postponing school all together and just work full time somewhere, or even return to Reed.

In addition, these two months have been challenging for my family also because of the death of an uncle and impending death of a grandmother (on my father's side - not the one I call "granny"). All of this uncertainty of what tomorrow holds just fuels a lot of anxiety that I have yet figured out how to dissipate.

However, lately I have been highly encouraged and the Lord has repeatedly let me know that everything is going to workout for the best if I remain faithful and no longer deviate from what He desires of me. For instance, just today a professor made it clear to me that he understands the importance of me doing well in class and will work considerably close with me to ensure that I finish off well. This happened a day after I was unnecessarily stressed that I would not do well on the final paper and fail his class, which would result with me not being accepted into Howard. Also, Reed has given me a scholarship that will help finish paying for the rest of this semester. Finally, I continue to receive emails of encouragement and messages of love from various individuals who are important in my life. Even though these messages come randomly and unsolicited, they come right when I need to hear from them the most. I will never forget the day when I was frustrated with Howard because they were almost two months behind in paying me and I was almost in tears one day as I checked my mail reminding me of my financial obligations that I couldn't at the time do anything about. As I was going through the envelops one by one slowly getting more and more discouraged the last item was a postcard from a friend I honestly never expected to hear from offering kind words of encouragement and support.

Despite my confidence that everything is going to workout for the best I am still scared, I am still laying here awake, not knowing what to prepare myself for, not knowing what to expect tomorrow. Yet this anxiety is unlike any form of anxiety I have ever felt before. I am also oddly excited. Even though I am scared of tomorrow I also can't wait to wake up in the morning (or in this specific case in a couple of hours). These next couple of weeks and months are going to be new territory for me, the beginning of a new era of my life where I would face new challenges, develop new relationships, and explore even more aspects of life. I can't help but feel that the events that took place these past few years were necessary for what I am about to branch out into within the coming months.

And if I really want to get deep I shouldn't be anxious at all, tonight is no different than some random night three years ago. Because in all honesty we never know what tomorrow really holds, our lives can literally change at any moment for better or worse. That is definitely a cliche that rings erringly true. Now hopefully I won't over sleep when the alarm goes off because Lord knows I really shouldn't miss class tomorrow lol.

Mixed Feelings About President Obama

I am obviously excited by the election of President-elect Obama! Howard of course went crazy! The police came out in pack when I was returning to my room by the time I got done celebrating but even they were friendly and excited. But I did find something slightly disturbing as I was walking through the crowds of exceptionally excited people around Howard University, I kept hearing "my President is Black" over and over again. For some reason that hit an uncomfortable spot for me. I definitely understand the historic significance of this election but I guess it was because race was such a focus point for so many of his supporters that I found uncomfortable. When Obama won the election I was exceptionally proud to be an American. However, not just because a Black man was elected but more for the fact that it shows that we as a country are evolving, our perspectives are expanding and including more diverse ideas for what we want our country to evolve to. I am not a supported of Obama because he is Black but because he is a representation of what I ideally want America to become. If I had more time to observe Palin I probably would have supported her even more because our political views are more aligned and she too is a perspective that America needs to evolve into even more greatness.

Transfer Letter to Howard University

Hey yall, I wanted yall to read my transfer letter to Howard cause I love it lol....but in general its just my thought process:

Transfer Admission Letter: Elements of Progression

Even though the transfer application did not specifically require any type of personal letter by the applicant my devotion to being accepted into Howard leads me to put my application in context. Throughout a significant portion of my life I have been led by my passions and morals, which has consistently pushed me into situations where I attempt to make a substantial difference. I specifically remember my years at The Chinquapin School, which is the high school I attended, where at the age of sixteen I was already labeled as an inspiring reformer mostly because of my assistance with exposing the often times damaging affect systematic homophobia had on the academic and social success of sexual minorities. Witnessing how Chinquapin evolved to become more accepting, supportive, and adapting to the current cultures of younger generations ignited the fiery drive that encourages me to define my existence as an element of social change.

My mission in life quickly revolved around the idea of helping and being involved in the progression of my communities regardless of where I am located geographically. Therefore, when I moved from Houston to attend Reed College in Portland Oregon I maintained these same values. Except at Reed the situations were quite different than Chinquapin’s. Apparently in the socially liberal northwest there was no need for raising awareness of sexual minority challenges, especially within the Reed community, which is often advertised as a community of tolerance and acceptance of diverse lifestyles. However, at Reed there were a new set of challenges that were not exactly being addressed in any public fashion. It is no real secret that Reed can be a host of anti-Christian and anti-multicultural values, which is clearly shown by Reed’s slogan “Atheism, Communism, Free-love” that is suppose to play on the stereotypes of Reed culture but instead operates as an exact reflection from my experience. Despite entering this environment as a somewhat sheltered Missionary Baptist and instead of reacting with shock and making inappropriate judgments affect my relationships, my drive to uplift whatever community I am apart of initiated my passion to help Reed fulfill its goal of truly becoming an institution devoid of intolerance.

Whenever any form of social movement aimed at some form of social progress is initiated there is usually a fair amount of resistance in the beginning until the social movement becomes relatively popular. Therefore, it was not a surprise when elected to student government as a senator at Reed along with creating the Black & African Student Union that my passion and devotion towards issues of multiculturalism was faced with an unfortunate level of resistance from many aspects of the Reed community. The majority White population did not understand, at the time, the many challenges of minority students and many of their reactions to my proposals and various leadership positions were based off of this lack of understanding. Even though, several members of the Reed community proclaim that I have managed to positively influence the often times oppressive culture that has the tendency to smother real multiculturalism, at the time I only recognized the failures. The failure to achieve an appropriate anti-discrimination policy passed by the administration, the failure to create a general understanding of multicultural challenges, the failure to eliminate what was interpreted as a pervasive racist atmosphere that had the tendency to place students of color in exceptionally difficult situations, and the failure to create a minority community organized enough to respond to these unfortunate challenges. By the end of my sophomore year these failures became so disheartening that that passion, drive, and devotion that kept me encouraged and persistent every since high school became faint and in consequence what I have begun to define as my life's purpose started to dismantle and in someways gave the impression my life was not a beneficial element to society as I so strongly wish it to be.

When it became clear that I needed to be re-inspired and essentially take a break from Reed it was highly recommended that I participate in an exchange program to Howard University for the Fall of 2007. During my first week at Howard I immediately started to recognize this transition and experience as necessary in order for me to fully develop into an appropriate element of social-political progress. I also recognized that simply participating in one semester at Howard or even two is not enough to gain a sufficient level of academic and cultural knowledge that is undeniably prevalent throughout the Howard community.

Historically, social-political progression is typically inspired and a transformation from the accomplishments and failures of past social movements. Therefore, it is safe to assume that in order to be a productive element of social progression one has to have background knowledge and understanding of their society's past social movements. Howard University is a host for this background knowledge and is composed of an extraordinary amount of exceptionally skilled individuals who have an understanding of our society's culture, history, and social-political movements. Finishing my academic career at Howard would not only be a blessing to my development as an element of social-political progress but will give me the tools needed to be an effective leader of our many communities. If I was to have a theme for my mission in life it would revolve around the idea of “being a blessing to the world” however I have learned that in order to be a blessing you have to be blessed, by accepting me as a transfer student for Spring 2009 you will essentially be that blessing I need to help change the world. Thank you for reading this letter, I appreciate your time and effort put into reviewing this application. May God bless you.

sincerely,

Michael C. Webb Jr.

Proud Heterophobe! (WARNING: May offend some folks)

I've been called a lot of things that generally people would consider negative qualities, however, I see as empowering.  Back in Portland I was called a racist because I simply had the nerve to challenge White people and their sometimes oppressive cultures, establishments and lifestyles.  If criticizing the flaws in the dominant culture made me a racist I was/am very proud of the title even if it potentially misinterpret my intentions.  Lately, I've been called heterophobe.  Now this is even more interesting then being called a racist simply because I don't even care how that gets interpreted as long as my heterosexual women know I LOVE them lol.  I have White friends, so the idea of hating these very honorable people for the simple fact that they're White is horrendous but I intentionally stay away from the heterosexual males unless they're dating my girls and even then I hardly think they're good enough.  But just to make one thing perfectly clear, dominant power structures that traditionally and typically utilizes their identities to demean and de-power others inspires such passion and frustration within me that I often grow to reverse the prejudice that I see being the most popular.

I am so sick of minorities, by minorities I mean all forms of minorities (including gays), arguing that they want "equal" rights, that they want to be tolerated or accepted as "no different" than the norm or the dominant culture.  Where is the pride in that?  Where is the respect in that?  I don't care if you find the kindness in your heart to "accept" me for being gay, I don't care if you don't associate my skin color with some foolish stereotype, your acceptance means absolutely nothing to me.  I see myself as truly equal or already equal no need to have the essence of my equality be confirmed therefore I can just as easily be disgusted by you just as much as you can be disgusted by me.  Allegedly, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction and that's how I view my own prejudices nothing less than an equal and opposite reaction to the dominant forms of prejudices.  

Now people claim that reacting to prejudice with prejudice doesn't solve anything and isn't productive.  But how productive has accepting the dominant culture's idea of equality has been for us?  Well we are about to elect the first Black president but I wonder how much good is Senator Obama going to do for Blacks?  I have a feeling he's going to have the least diverse administration we have seen since Reagan, at least when it comes to the number of Blacks he'll hire.  The only form of "uplifting" he has done so far is tell Blacks that their fathers need to do a better job.  And if you want to be honest with yourself you already know he wasn't even talking to Black but to the audience of CNN and Fox News, he was talking to White people.  (I'm more of a Michelle Obama supporter than an Obama supporter fyi lol).  Blacks are still highly regarded as less successful than Whites, overwhelm prison systems, poorer, and in the words of my Black Politics professor "still at the bottom of the jar".

See, I'm more of a Malcolm X supporter than I am a Martin Luther King supporter.  I have no shame in believing in Black Power, Gay Power, etc.  I have no problem aligning myself with institutions and establishments that support these various forms of empowerment, hence attending Howard, going to Church, and proudly participating in gay culture regardless of the general social consequences.

I get very defensive when I get called a racist because I definitely don't hate White people and I definitely wouldn't want any of the White people I am close to, to mistake my passion for fighting against the many flaws with our dominant cultures as a general prejudice against them.  Even though I do not feel that racism against Whites is inherently wrong.  But in regards to being called a heterophobe I can seriously care less and in fact I would wear it as a badge.  The typical heterosexual male disgust me and if you're a heterosexual male and I'm friends with you then that means you're an exception because there are exceptions to almost everything but only a handful.  Now I probably shouldn't make this so public because the last thing I need is for my future boss to read about me being a heterophobe but I'm tired of minorities always being on the defensive, asking dominant powers to sit at the same table... can we just sit at our own tables instead of attempting to mold ourselves in their image of equality?  Can we be on the offensive for once, homophobes will wake up the day when the headlines of a newspaper reads "Straight Bashing is the Cause of Male Victim's Severe Injuries".  Would that even be considered a hate crime or self-defense?

Time to Get Focused

Howard's homecoming was amazing! I did a lot of reckless stuff but I at least looked fierce while doing it, lol. In truth I haven't been the smartest person these past couple of days, I may have taken my "celebrating life" them too far and distorted is real intent. Drinking and clubbing is definitely fun, especially when it's with friends but that shouldn't be the full extent of my social life, shouldn't be the focus of my weekend, and definitely shouldn't become the only method of supposedly celebrating life. I don't want to make it seem like I was a drunkard this weekend lol cause I definitely was worse at Reed during Renn Fayre but I realized how superficial the club life really is, which is shocking cause y'all know how much I love going out. I guess I just don't want to turn 22 doing the same stuff, living the same life I've been living since I was 18, even though I didn't even drink my 1st drink until I was 21, I'm already over it lol...

Right now I have two choices: drop out of school or get really focused and do what I need to be doing to get into law school. At least that's how I see things right now, lol, I'm known for wanting it all or nothing, lol. But anyways Kivvy and I basically went clubbing for 3 days straight with various groups of people. I briefly got to drive a Jaguar, that was exciting. Our homecoming ended with Kivvy and foolishly deciding to eat at Hooters out of all places! It was so awkward, like completely obvious we didn't belong there and now I'm clueless now more than ever on how heterosexuals socialize with each other. O, and Kivvy and I saw "W". Kivvy liked it, I kind of thought it was dreadful, but that's not surprising right lol.

See, normally I try to relate what's going on in my life to what's happening in the world or our country, or some aspect of all of our lives. I try to show that there's always a bigger picture than us individually, I try to be positive cause there is already too much negativity in our lives. But I don't know how to do that this time....something is nagging at me and I can't figure out what it is exactly. Usually when this happens I distract myself with politics but nothing has really changed in the political sphere and nothing really won't change until Nov., which I can't think about because my application is due in Nov. 1st and it's no where near completed cause every time I think I'm close something else pops up. I think the biggest thing that's bothering me is that I feel like I'm putting a lot of work into essentially changing my life and subsequently changing who I am to complete this transfer process into Howard. Even though this is an amazing place, filled with many different types of people, I think some part of me doesn't feel like I belong here, or that something is missing. But I wasn't entirely happy being in Portland either which sparked this whole process. Maybe I just need to do something I'm passionate about and that has yet to happen at the moment. I think having a political job would change everything, but I just can't find one at the moment, or one that pays lol. Everyone loves interns that work for free lol.

The great news is I just got a text message that Anu is just now landing in will be in D.C. soon, Amrita should be here already and I'll be seeing both of them very soon! This will definitely be good for putting things in perspective.

A Week Driven by Impulses!

O wow, this past week has been amazing!  So I decided to change my perspective of life just a tad bit.  After weeks of just stressing over work, finding a more appropriate job, transferring, cooperating with the family back home, and the general wear and tears of life I briefly decided to turn all this around and just celebrate life.  I am alive, meaning I still have the opportunity to change anything around me, the people I love are alive and the opportunities to accomplish various forms of happiness are right in front of us so I just decided to take advantage of them!

That said, nothing I've done was planned everything was random and done because of spontaneous impulses, which is a new way I want to continue enjoying life.  To briefly go over what has been making life so exciting lately, it has been a mixture of being around friends and being adventurous.  Friday was the night I was suppose to go out with friends and Saturday was designated as the day of rest, Sunday day of shopping, and Monday was suppose to be the day of studying for midterms.  However, nothing happened as planned!  Friday Ricky was too scared to walk to the store with me to purchase some party treats which lead to us scraping all plans of going out.  Which ended up being ok because when I met Kivvy at Dupont Circle (D.C.'s gay district allegedly, for White people at least) we got kidnapped by another one of our friends that night in a mini-van similar to the ones those Mexicans drive their families in.  Don't panic!  I'm not racist against Mexicans lol... just being racially humorous, which is one of the few benefits of being a minority.  Anyways, so yessssss of course I was making fun of this friend for picking us up in a minivan, I mean he coul

d of at least grabbed the keys to the Ford Explorer I love so much, don't ya think!  :)  Anyways, so the night ended with just chilling at his house tell God knows what time in the morning or basically until he overcame his laziness and felt like taking us back to Howard.  I know I'm being harsh on him right now lol but he doesn't even read this so I'll live, love him tons anyways lol.

But that's not how the night ends...because of my new philosophy on celebrating life I'm attempting to become more social by meeting and getting to substantially know more people.  Therefore, when I got dropped off at Howard a new potential friend hit me up, through text messaging of course (the best way to contact me), and around 3 o'clock in the morning walked all around D.C. exploring dark rat infested parks and eating some ok food at this local 24 hour restaurant called

 The Diner.  After exploring D.C.'s innocent night life with this new potential friend I finally made it back to my room at around 6 a.m.!

Granted I did not wake up tell around 2p.m. the following afternoon.  When I finally fully opened my eyes beyond what is needed to respond to text messages while half asleep I woke up to a vibrant sunny day forcing it's way through my blinds, giving me the feeling that I was in a tanning salon.  I did absolutely nothing really but caught up on my ABC shows, got a much needed haircut, and enjoyed the alone time at least until the sun goes down and the debauchery begins, lol.  I will refrain from 

going into the explicit details of Saturday's exciting night, that left me in a mixture of supreme happiness/satisfaction and disappointment.  In summary Ricky, Kivvy, and I got together with a friend we call Little Munchkin...that's all ya gettin' folks!

Sunday morning was definitely an interesting day with the simple fact that I woke up asking myself "is it appropriate for me to go to church right now?"  Well, i decided that it wasn't appropriate so I didn't go and from what I'm told I missed out on meeting Rev. Jeremiah Wright, that infamous pastor Senator Obama would prefer for us all to forget about, in addition to a truly blessed service.  But that's ok.  Instead of church I decided to once again enjoy the sunshine and take a walk throughout D.C..  Originally, I was looking for real food, nothing fast food or anything close to McDonalds, but this lead to me suddenly wanting to see the White House (which I still have yet to see).  Of course I get lost in the process, even though everyone I asked kept telling me the White House was behind this bush but I kept loo

king behind the bush and didn't see no White House...just a ton of secret service...like everywhere.  After about an hour of walking around a bush I got over seeing the White House and decided to see a movie instead, yes by myself, no shame in that!  I saw Body of Lies, with the Titanic dude in it.  I don't recommend the movie, I think I yawned like 12 times throughout the two hours I spent in there.  Sunday ended with me meeting up with Kivvy again at Dupont when he got off work and us experiencing literally the worse slice of Pizza we hav

e 

ever seen or tasted in our lives....

  Kivvy claims it was Ethiopian pizza, I don't know what it was, but it was a mess for sure... we literally couldn't stop laughing at how horrible this pizza was while sitting in the booths trying to figure out the best way to discard it without the cooks noticing.  We thought about giving the pizza to a homeless person but we thought they're lives are bad enough for us to be adding more dreadfulness!

Monday was funny as hell!  Mostly because it was Columbus Day and Howard was shut down in respect of the national holiday.  But of course I didn't know this until after walking to the cafeteria and seeing it closed!  Even then I was confused until after I text Kivvy asking him why the campus was so empty and the cafeteria closed...to get a text message consisting of him laughing at me while explaining that we didn't have classes for the day.  So of course I took this as an opportunity to do some much needed and desired shopping!  I dragged Kivvy along with me because I knew that if he didn't like what I purchased it would be hell to pay lol.  But this was a mistake... it is never a good idea for two compulsive shop-a-holics to go shopping together!  We literally went into every store in that damn mall that sold male clothes, I was loving every minute of it!  My debit card on the other hand didn't like it so much but it's ok!  We ended this glorious brief shopping spree with getting another ear piercing together, in the same identical spot, which is appropriate since we were being confused as brothers.

Throughout this weekend something weird yet exciting has been happening.  I've been reflecting, listening to advice from Kivvy and Anu, and I feel like I'm finally growing up.  I'm finally recognizing my life, with blessings from God, is in my own hands and it's up to me what direction I will take my life.  Coming to this epiphany I think I'm finally starting to take charge of my life and no longer simply be a reaction to my surroundings and environment, it's time to become a presence.  I want to continue to celebrate this life we live in as a way of recognizing the many blessings we're experiencing, the many opportunities that are before us, the many relationships and institutions that are awaiting our presence.  This allows me to reflect happily about yesterday, be driven and appreciative of what happens today, and excited about tomorrow!  Was this weird for you to read?  It was refreshing for me to write this...I feel like I just found a way to verbalize how I've been feeling these past few days.

P.S.  Howard's Homecoming is this weekend!  Be prepared for what I'm sure to be at least interesting posts ahead lol.....

Today a Miracle was Born!

When my father died almost four years ago I realized how fragile life is and how much we have to protect and love the people God put in our lives.  I believe life always eventually balances itself out.  And experiencing my father's death was definitely one of the most tragic episodes of my life, however, little did I know six months later I would meet someone who has forever changed my life and who has been nothing but a beautiful blessing.  Anurada Samarijiva is her full name.  She was born today Oct. 8, 1986 (if I did my math correctly lol).  I know it sounds weird for me to put my dad's death in context with Anu's birth but I want everyone to understand just how important she is to me.  If God was to give me an ultimatum right now and offered to bring my father back in exchange for never being introduced to Anu I would politely tell God, "tell father I'll see him in heaven".  I have a tattoo of my father on my back right shoulder and this is going to sound cheesy and  possibly crazy as hell but my next tattoo I want it to be of Anu on my chest left breast (of course I have to do alot of chest exercise first).

I try to make it clear to everyone who I love how much I love and appreciate them because the world we live in is unpredictable.  Therefore, I want everyone to know that I am absolutely nothing without God, some members of my family, and people I consider my friends.  However, if you want to know who keeps me encouraged, who keeps me strong, and who keeps me being the person you see today that person is definitely Anu.  At this point I cannot imagine a life without her, no matter where I am or where she is geographically I have to be in constant contact with her.  She is my anchor, my love, and my evidence that God truly exist and is truly a loving and merciful God.  I thank him everyday for creating her.

So Anu when you read this hopefully you see that October 8th is one of the most important dates in my calendar, it's the day a miracle was born.  I love you and I hope you have the best birthday that can ever be conceived of.

So Much is Going On!

Wow, so much is going on right now, not only in my life, but in all of our lives, and throughout the nation like it's hard to not only believe but to keep track of.  Huge banks that we see as stable and financially secure are vanishing overnight, Congress in chaos, the President is now powerless, Sen. McCain temporarily suspends his campaign yet is still campaigning, debates here and there, O.J. Simpson found guilty, Houston getting back on its feet after the hurricane but will be forever changed (according to mi madre), and the new season of Desperate Housewives & Grey's Anatomy has started off crappy o and elections are only a month away!  What is the world coming too lol!   In my own life I've officially begun the transfer process into Howard, preparing for Howard homecoming (which involves SHOPPING), searching for a political job that actually pays, trying my best to stay away from beautiful distractions like men (y'all know that's a challenge), and trying to find reasonably priced off-campus housing for next semester.  Basically, it has been fun and exciting yet really scary and sometimes even frustrating times for everyone it seems!

So of course y'all know I couldn't do a blog entry without mention the VP debates right lol.   Tell me why Sarah Palin was on point, I love her, I am officially a political fan.  I love how she told the moderator how she was not going to answer any questions, Sarah Palin said (and I'm paraphrasing), "I'm going to stick to script McCain gave me and that's final!"  I loved it, I mean they all stick to a script that they were given by some adviser or whatever, but she just came out and said it.  I specifically loved the point she made about the Obama campaign's tendency to paint McCain as more Bush.  If you watch the last two  minutes of this clip you'll see what I mean. This was probably my favorite part of the debate and Biden had a good response to Palin's assertion.  It was a real debate and as expected Biden did well but Gov. Palin definitely had the spotlight.  Now, just to make things clear cause y'all be sending me hate mail over facebook, etc. about this Palin deal.  Even though I love Gov. Palin, no I will not vote for them, neither do I see her as vice-president and definitely not vp under McCain because we all know that's just waaaaaaaay too close to being President.

Furthermore, can someone explain to me how Sen. McCain is an American hero!?!  I don't get it.  Thousands if not millions of Americans suffer everyday because of the sacrifices they're making for someone in this country or for the country itself, what makes McCain exceptional.  My mom has sacrificed 21 years of her life so far to making sure my brother and I become American success stories does that qualify her to be President?  Y'all can elect her if you want to, I'll be moving to Africa...a safe part of course where there's no shooting...wait... is there a safe part of Africa?  :)  But in all seriousness, I personally find it disgusting that in order to be defined as an American hero you have to commit some type of macho patriotism that involves an egotistical war.  Why can't Obama be an American hero?  Unlike McCain, Obama has just revolutionized American politics, Obama has re-awakened a sleeping nation, Obama has shattered most social and political constrictions that held so many down (and not just Black people).  So please stop calling McCain an American hero, yes I respect his service but just as much as I respect the million other sacrifices that are being made everyday by all different types of Americans.  Furthermore, I do not want to lose another American life in Iraq, not one!  And all do respect to Gov. Palin, it's not surrender because it's not our fight, Iraq is a culture war and in order for that war to come to an end, the American forces need to leave because we are definitely not the best when it comes to ending cultural conflicts.  

Omg I did not mean for this to be this long lol.  Especially, since the main thing I wanted to write about was myself of course lol...but I realized the other day while I was talking to Angel that the Lord has blessed me with amazing friends.  And when things get hectic like they are right now the people who usually keep me grounded and keep me sane and remind me that the world is not going to end tomorrow are my friends.  Besides, the world can't end until after I'm Governor of Texas, I have already made that known to the Lord, lol... Keep up the good fight!  

O yeah fyi if Howard rejects me then I think I'm going to join the military so I hope yall praying for the best cause we all know I can't survive in nobody's military!  Like are you even allowed to wear contacts?  Do I have to pretend like I'm  one of those......heterosexuals?  OMG does that mean I have to talk about.... FISH!  lol.. lol

Introduction to my D.C. (Howard) Friends

Okay, I've realized when talking to Anu (my soul mate) that it's hard keeping up with the important people that are part of my Howard life. And one of the goals of this blog is to keep everyone updated and somewhat included on what's going on therefore you need to know my best friends are here, lol.

When I first came to Howard exactly one year ago it was very scary for me. I didn't really know how to socialize, you know us Reedies aren't really gifted with that lol, but I met these two girls randomly at one of the orientation luncheons; and this is back when I was trying to come off as straight, notice I said TRIED lol, so I was very cautious with how I interacted with them. However Desiree Spencer (right) and Phylicia Edwards (left) were still extremely friendly and definitely contributed to making me feel comfortable at Howard. If it wasn't for these two girls I probably wouldn't have given Howard the chance and ran back to Reed within the first couple of days, lol. Even though I am not as close to them as I would like to be today we still are friends and my day instantly brightens up whenever I see them.

Now if y'all think I'm a socialite or "social butterfly" as so many at Reed put it, my best friend Kivon Allen (infamously known as Kivvy) definitely make me seem like a recluse in comparison. When I first met Kivvy I honestly wanted to stay as far away from him as possible. I guess I had all these prejudices and misconceptions of masculinity. Also, I believe I was scared, Kivvy is so bold and out there and at the time as I've stated earlier I was cautious, because I know how judgemental Blacks can be. Kivvy has opened my eyes to so much about being whoever we are with no shame. There are very few people that make me question my fundamental beliefs and Kivvy was one of them. He helped disable my formerly cemented prejudices against myself and my own "masculinity" (if that makes sense). Being friends with Kivvy definitely has its challenges, such as constantly feeling under dressed lol, but those challenges are consistently overcome by his unacknowledged brilliance and beauty. I love him to death and it's very rare that you find someone who you just know you're going to be friends with for life no matter what happens, no matter where you are geographically, and Kivvy is definitely one who will be stuck with me for life, lol.

Now y'all know I love my internationals! Especially international men! Give me an accent and I'll immediately go crazy, lol, ok maybe that was too much information but umm yeah that's what first ignited my friendship with Ricardo Carlos (Ricky). Then to find out that the negro, or islander (whatever you call someone from Trinidad lol), was basically married just instantly broke my heart lol. But from the moment we first met I knew we were going to be best friends because you know how you first meet someone you exchange names (that you're gonna forget later or at least I will) and you go on about your lives.....maybe you'll facebook friend them if you didn't immediately hate them lol. But NOOOOOO with Ricky tell me why we sat outside and sat on one of those hard uncomfortable Howard benches for hours in the dark probably getting eaten by bugs! Ricky reminds me a lot of Anu, except Anu is waaaaaaaaaaaay less of a diva, like seriously, lol. But just like Anu and I never agree on anything, it's similar with Ricky and I. Ricky is the rational/logical one in our friendship just like Anu is, even though I usually never admit it to either of them, lol, so I must be in an unusually good mood, lol.

Normally all you have to say is that you're from Houston, Texas and I'm instantly won over right, I mean obviously if you're from Texas than you're automatically amazing! lol. In all seriousness I love Nijeul Porter not just because of the amazing fact he's from Houston but mostly because he probably seen me at my worse and still manages not to be scared off. You know those friends who are there for you no matter what, those friends who manages to tolerate you no matter what mood you're in, no matter what you're going through, Nijeul is definitely one of those friends. He doesn't know it but Nijeul definitely continues to be an inspiration to me, his passion to succeed is incomparable and contagious. This passion also keeps him exceptionally busy doing God knows what for the theater department so I NEVER see him but every now and then he'll remember that I exist and give me a call.

Another person I don't get to see enough is Darius Holloway. He has a frustrating habit of calling me "senior citizen" lol.. well because I'm the oldest out of all my friends here. I don't have much to say about Darius though other than he's the charmer out of all my friends and will set you straight in a heart beat so don't be fooled by that charm, lol.

Tyjuane Sharpe is ghetto as hell! There is no joking about it, lol, talk about being a D.C. local lol, even though he's technically from VA but it's all the same to me. When I first met Tyjuane he couldn't stop talking about how he can dance better than Chris Brown and he sincerely believes it to the point where now I'm somewhat convinced lol. I remember when Anu visited me last year I was surprised how well Tyjuane and her clicked. Like it was something out of a sci-fi movie because they have two completely different personalities, lol. But I love him to death though, even though he stole my favorite pair of jeans and have the audacity to look better in them than I do! But if you ever heard me say "I'm so blown..." I got it from him, lol, and it means upset before y'all start imagining the wrong things lol.

And last but obviously not least is Dherek Mitchell. I miss Dherek a lot even though we argue so much whenever we are together but at least it's about important stuff. I believe our last argument was on privilege vs hard work and I probably lost every single argument lol mostly because I was out yelled lol... Unfortunately, I'm not blessed with his presence at the moment but D.C. / Howard is definitely different without him and I'm going to need him to comeback soon, I have a sense that he's going to get at me about for being a fan of Sarah Palin lol. But even though Dherek has no problem voicing his opinion, no matter how much volume it takes, lol, he is one of the most compassionate individuals I have ever met and definitely one who understands love and friendship.

So there you go everyone, these are my main friends in D.C.. There are several more but I either wasn't sure if they would object to their names being plastered all over my blog, w/ their picture, or we just need more time to develop something more meaningful. So now when I say "Nijeul and I visited the White House to turn it Black..." you'll know exactly who I'm talking about lol...